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Archive for the ‘divorce’ Category

How can I expect my life to change after divorce?

11 Mar

People know to prepare themselves emotionally when going through the divorce process, but they often fail to prepare for adjusting to life afterward. Too often, they assume that life on the other side will be easier and they vastly underestimate the new challenges they will inevitably face. To help make things less stressful for you later on, take some time to think about and understand some of the common misconceptions surrounding divorce.

What are some common misconceptions surrounding divorce?

One of the biggest misconceptions concerns money. Both women and men tend to believe that their finances will not change significantly after a divorce. They don’t take the time to sit down together and figure out how the income that previously supported one household will be able to support two in the future. Instead, each party expects to sustain their current lifestyle while the other makes concessions. Typically, women believe they will receive more maintenance than the court is likely to award, while men believe that they shouldn’t have to pay alimony and that everything should be divided equally, even if their spouse hasn’t worked for many years. In most cases, both parties will end up living off of a lower income post-divorce.

You may be able avoid frustration and disappointment down the road by setting up a budget during the divorce, either together or on your own. At the very least, a budget will help you to anticipate upcoming lifestyle adjustments. In fact, you may want to start cutting expenses now if you can, or think about ways to eventually increase your income.

Other common misconceptions about divorce involve children. Parenting after a divorce can be complicated, but it helps to be flexible and open-minded. Many women are used to being the primary caregiver and find it difficult to let go of the high level of control they once had over their children’s lives and schedules. Depending on your custody arrangement, your children may spend time between two homes, which means increased time away from you. This can be painful at first, but remember that your children have two parents and that it is essential to their well-being and development that they spend time with both of them.

Men struggle with their own parenting challenges after divorce and are frequently surprised by how difficult it is to raise a child on their own. They are also often caught off guard by the amount of child support they are required to pay.

It is important to note that the amount of child support one pays is related to the amount of time each parent spends with a child. The parent who has the child most of the time will receive child support from the other parent. If the child spends significant time with both parents, then the paying parent may get a credit against the support payment to account for this extra time. Also, if primary parenting of multiple children is split between the parents, then child support is based on this “split-custody” arrangement. In these situations, we use a formula to calculate which parent will pay support and in what amount. This formula was developed by Division I of the Washington Court of Appeals in the case of In re Marriage of Arvey, 77 Wn.App. 817, 894 P.2d 1346 (Wash.App. Div. 1 1995).

It is also important to remember that the issues of child support and parenting are treated separately by the court. This means that one parent cannot withhold visitation from the other parent because he or she has failed to pay child support. Instead, the parent who is not receiving his or her court-ordered support must bring legal action to enforce the order to pay.  But in the meantime, the nonpaying parent is still entitled to enforce the parenting plan. This is because to do otherwise  would be unfair to the child, who has a right to spend time with both parents.

How can I clear up any misconceptions I may have about life after divorce?

You can learn about the realities of divorce by reading through the Pro Se University blog archives or you can sign up for the next free 30-minute Attorney Appointment. We are here to help.

 
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Posted in divorce, if child support is not paid, life changes from divorce, misconceptions of divorce

 

Should I ask my friend for advice about my divorce?

04 Mar

Should I change my hair? What car should I buy? What movie should I go see this weekend? What gym should I join? What should I do about this issue I’m having at work?

We seek advice from our friends and family to learn how to approach a new situation. Our goal is to go from knowing “nothing” to knowing “something.” And who better to prepare us for this than a group of people we already know and trust?

I know I have a group of friends I lean on for advice. But there are some situations when one needs to evaluate if our friends are the appropriate and qualified source of information about important life issues that vary from person to person, based on their own experience.

Take divorce for example. 

Why should I be careful when seeking a friend’s advice about divorce?

Author Susan Pease Gadoua wrote a great article on this subject titled, Beware When Seeking A Friend’s Advice About Divorce, for the Huffington Post. She says that you shouldn’t learn about divorce from someone like a friend, family member, neighbor, or co-worker, and this group of people alone. They should not be your only source for learning about everything that can happen as you move through the often-confusing legal process.

Gadoua cites three main reasons to support her claim:

  1. You are learning about divorce through someone who may not fully understand what happened or why.
  2. Your friend/acquaintance may not tell you about special circumstances in his case that may have influenced a particular outcome.
  3. Everything about you and your case is different from anyone else’s case or circumstances.

Everyone reaches out to his or her network to seek advice and learn from the experiences of their peers. That’s okay. But your peers’ lives and situations are completely different from what you are going through right now.

For example, if you are reading this, you are considering or have already decided to represent yourself and are looking for ways to “do-it-yourself” and learn how to do it right. You know that you need help and are looking to team up with someone to get the help you need, when you need it.

How can I learn more about divorce, if not from my friends?

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t ask your friends for advice about what they went through with their divorce, but keep in mind that what they are telling you is different from your situation and there are details they may be omitting from the story that you’re unaware of.

So what can you do to learn more about the divorce and legal process? I recommend that you learn as much as you can, and books by accredited lawyers are a great resource. Here are a few to get you started:

Once you have educated yourself as much as you can, build the list of questions that those books have not answered and schedule an appointment with a professional who knows the intricacies of the law specific to the court system where you live.

We are here to help – you can sign up for the next free 30-minute Attorney Appointment, register for a Pro Se University Workshop, or look into other services that match what you’re looking for.

Just because you don’t know what you don’t know, doesn’t mean you have to go it alone.

 
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Posted in divorce, resources

 

What if my former spouse and I cannot decide on a parenting plan?

03 Feb

An important step in the divorce process is agreeing what to do with your children. This includes decisions about child custody, parenting time, child support, and who holds what responsibilities over the child or children in your life. In the past, there was one custodial parent and the other parent would receive visitation rights only. This is no longer the only option. Nowadays, one parent’s home may be where the children spend most of their time, but there is a clear trend toward more equal-time arrangements. Also, it is very common for parents to have equal decision-making authority regarding such matters as education, non-emergency health care, and religious training.

When the decisions about the parenting plan are complicated or when both parties are unable to reach a resolution, the court may intervene and require a parenting plan evaluation.

In a parenting plan evaluation, a specially-trained and licensed expert evaluates each parent and child to assist the court to make a decision. These experts often have advanced degrees and training regarding child development. The evaluator is an impartial party who is focused on one thing, and that is “the best interests of the children” involved.

What is the goal of a parenting evaluation?

It is key that the expert performing the evaluation be trained in how to remain impartial and keep the well being of the child a priority. Luckily, in Western Washington there is a special certificate program that trains health and law professionals in these skills. It is called the Parenting Evaluation Training Program (PETP) at the University of Washington. Graduates of this program have been specially trained to work effectively as evaluators and treatment personnel to protect the interests of children and help resolve high-conflict family law litigation.

A PETP graduate also may offer “Co-Parent Psychotherapy,” which is a form of counseling with the following goals:

  • Reduce parental conflict and enhance cooperation
  • Quickly resolve disputes between parents about the children
  • Assist child’s (children’s) coping with their parents’ conflict
  • Reduce post-divorce litigation
  • Enhance parenting skills

At its core, the parenting evaluation and co-parent psychotherapy can help you learn how to parent your child together with your former spouse and lead a more peaceful life after divorce. It is not a single-parent parenting class, but an opportunity for both parents to learn how to focus on the well being of their child.

You can find details on what to expect during the University of Washington Co-Parent Psychotherapy process here.

Where can I find a qualified parenting evaluation professional to help me with this issue?

If you need a parenting evaluation or want to start Co-Parenting Psychotherapy, the list of PETP Graduates is a great resource.

If you have any questions about how a parenting evaluation can help move your family law issue forward, we can help. You can sign up for a free 30-minute Attorney Appointment on the web.  We schedule these appointments on one Tuesday each month.  You can also contact our office and speak to Xenia at 877-776-7310 to schedule a free consultation.

We look forward to working with you.

Source: Guidelines for Child Custody Evaluations in Family Law Proceedings (http://www.apa.org/practice/guidelines/child-custody.pdf ) by American Psychological Association
Related: Co-Parent Psychotherapy (http://depts.washington.edu/petp/coparent.html )

 
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Posted in divorce, resources, undefined

 

How can social media affect my divorce?

11 Jan

Are you going through a separation or a divorce and maintain a profile on Facebook? You need to be careful what you post.

According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML):

An overwhelming 81% of the nation’s top divorce attorneys say they have seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence during the past five years, according to a recent survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

Anything you post online is public. Even if you have tight privacy settings, you never know who’s looking at your profile and who will share the information. 

What are attorneys or your estranged spouse looking for? They are trying to check your emotional state and see if you post anything that contradicts a statement you previously made. For example, if you go on record that you are having financial troubles and then post pictures from a recent vacation or a big purchase you just made, it will not paint the same picture and has the potential to hurt your case.

What can I do to protect myself on Facebook?

Even if you are not “friends” with your estranged spouse on Facebook, any status updates, pictures, links, and comments you leave on the things your friends post may show up on your estranged spouse’s newsfeed through mutual friends. Don’t risk it.

Check you privacy settings on Facebook. Here are two articles to walk you through how to check your privacy settings:

  1. Time to Audit Your Facebook Privacy Settings, Here’s How on Fast Company
  2. 10 Privacy Settings Every Facebook User Should Know on All Facebook: The Unofficial Facebook Resource

Be careful what you say. Think before you post and comment on anything—be it a status update, a photo or a comment on another friend’s post. Do not post anything related to your case, your estranged spouse, or if you’re starting to date other people. If you have any doubts, you probably shouldn’t push the “share” button.

Lock down your account. You can temporarily deactivate your Facebook account during your litigation or simply not post anything until it’s over. This will prevent you from sharing something that could potentially be used against you.

You should also be aware of what you post on Twitter, especially since all public tweets posted to Twitter are archived by the Library of Congress.

If you have questions about the role social media can play in your case, contact our office and we can help you figure out the best strategy.

 
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Posted in affect of divorce, divorce, Facebook, resources, social media